TODAY

Ok it is P day-- puppy day.
The crate is ready. He has dishes of his own even tho I have 30,000 dishes.
Here is the thing.
I spent a lot of time yesterday alternately angry and in tears. WTF??
And then I figured it out.
Yes, I want this puppy very very much.
But at the same time, it is an affirmation that Cooper is, indeed, dead. That he is not coming back from some long cruise, that he has not been on vacation, that no matter what my brain did to minimize the pain of his passing, that pain was still there and had to be dealt with. So while I was celebrating I was also mourning.

The key was, I did this when we got Mitchell. Walker had been gone since November. I called Jackie in December to tell her. She said, oh do I have a puppy for YOU! And in Feb she brought him to a show where I went to pick him up, and there he was, the cutest puppy you have EVER seen, and I burst into tears and fled.

Once again, it was proof that Walker was gone. He was not at the Vet hospital getting treatment for lymphoma. At the tender age of two he was all gone forever. I had kept it together during his illness, during the mad dash for the U of Illinois, through the moments they called to say he was totally full of cancer, through the visit and through the phone call the very next day saying he was gone. I was  an absolute pillar during my husband's profound sadness in the next few weeks. i was tough, and upright, and comforting, and all that.

But when I saw that puppy, my heart broke for Walker.
Cooper is a little different.He had a long (relatively speaking) and happy life. I have been told by 2 communicators that he is here and is fine.

But grief and love are tricky things. They are very closely related.
i will welcome this puppy with all my heart,I will love him every bit as much as I loved any dog I have ever had, and I know this. Two seconds after I get him out of the crate at the airport he will become forever MY dog. I am as excited as a little kid at Christmas.

And he will be my perfect dog, because we all know that each new puppy is going to be the perfect dog.
The truth of course, is that EVERY dog is the perfect dog for someone.