BE PREPAIRT

By LLEWIS CONLEY AN NIGEL

Taday sposed to be beginner to hottest daze ob summer so far an awreddy it bin plenny hot.
So we thot we git prepairt, like Boy Scuts onley Bassetscuts. Scouts. Llewis say it scouts. Scots? Scouts. BOYOBOYSCOUTS. Ok you heppy now Llewis?
So firss ob all:
1. Hab plenny ob water.

Shuddup Conley it no madder if you sit init or drink it youse juss gotts nose where it is.
2. Nose where you Cooling Cenders is.

Still mine still mine!! I juss demmystratin. No I did NOT pee inna watter, Llewis so there.

3.Practise maximising saving ennergy. Fine a cool spot an stay dere.

(Dis MY spot: Mama's bed.

Conley lob dis spot not only dat pad cool but it right convenyent to da counners, case MomPerson drop sumfine.

We nebber say Llewis graceful but he ours.

Dis how we prepper for taday. Stay cool, youse all.

NIGEL LLEWIS AN CONLEY

WHY I DONT BELONG TO THE DOG PARK

A number of years ago, when Mitchell and Cooper were still alive, we joined a dog park in a neigboring Village. It was one of the first in the area and it was pretty nice-- got better physically as time went on
Cooper and Mitchell loved it. Cooper ran with the big boys and Mitchell motored along the perimeter, always checking to see where we were.
Cooper was a youngster when we joined, and Mitchell a nice, well socialized male. Both were intact.

Mitchell
Cooper


Eventually a time came when Mr. Cooper answered the call of the Testesterone Howl and decided to be King of the Park. This was not acceptable and that was the end of their association with the dog park.

Recently, the Village here took the lousiest (almost) tract of free land they could find and turned it into a dog park. It is about one block walking slowly from my house. You do, of course, have to pay to join.

I  have an acquaintance who has Belgians and she lives quite near the park and so belongs and periodically I wander past the park and she is there as she was a couple of evenings ago when I took Conley for a very short walk. I was sick and couldn't go far, and as it happened, so was he, altho I did not know it until 3 this morning.

We do not belong but we stopped. There were two Belgians, a pit, a large terrier mix and a Harelquin Gt Dane.  They were all friendly but Conley was not especially interested, even on the far side of the fence.

The one person told me how her collie had drowned a few weeks earlier in a pool. The dog was 13. She said "Well,, she WAS 13..." as if in my imagination that made the increasingly weight of the thick wet coat easier to manage, as if in my imagination it made it easier to think the dog was not thinking WHERE ARE THEY? WHAT DO I DO?? I AM SO TERRIBLY TIRED......

The Gt Dane owner told me how his other dog had died. I had known that, known about the other dog. I asked if they had simethecone all over the house and was told no, they probably wouldn't need it with this one, and the other didn't bloat. I nodded. Yes, ok, yes I see.

Then the pit owner stood and waved her arms INSIDE THE PARK and said "Doggies, I have chicken!!!" She got lucky. The dogs were very well behaved. I recounted the number of times my friend Taffy's dog was attacked and nearly killed in her dog park-- a big red Dobe, afraid of her own shadow....

I asked if anyone had seen the woman walking her two dogs, Presa Canarios. Yes, yes they had. The dogs were wonderful. They had attended obedience at Pet Smart but now were not allowed in the park anymore. Oh. Why not? No one knew......


But on our way home we passed the house where the two Presa's live and as we went by one tore down the curtains screaming at us.


I do not think Conley and I, or any other of my dogs, will be joining that particular dog park. Or any other.

Maybe they are not all like that.....

NIGEL'S BED

It has occurred to me that when I speak of Nigel on my bed there may be some whose response is "eeeeuuuuwww--he is on her bed and he is incontinent." Which, after all, is reasonable. I feel a  bit the same way.
So here is how my bed becomes "Nigel's Bed":

1.This is my bed. My pillows. My blankie. My desk next to it. This is what we start with.

2.Stage one: I take off the pillows, flip the sit-up thingie I stole from John so the arms are behind the bed and put two canvas tarps on the bed that have plastic on the underside. These are waterproof and John buys them at Menard's for a pittance.

3.Now I add an old comforter that used to be carried in the back of the Van in case of emergencies. I'll have to get another for the Van. I have two: I bought a 2nd comforter at a goodwill store for $10. I switch so one is always clean.

4. I add a rubber-backed fleece pad to this. I don't like to leave things to chance. And then

5. one more water-resistent pad that we had purchased when Mitchell went down at the end of his long and happy life. One more  final touch, since the bed is about 30" off the floor....

6 THE STAIRS that I ordered online and are almost perfect. This is not to say slugging Nigel that final 6" onto the bed is not back-breaking. It is. But this is why I don't worry about the bed getting wet or nasty when he is on it. And finally of course Nigel gets to b on the bed. However a computer glitch has prevented that photo from showing up.

Taaaadaaaaa.

THE BASSET SPA

One of our big problems with Nigel and his inability to be mobile, is that he dribbles urine.
Now we can use a belly band, or diapers, although when he is allowed to scoot along the floor they inevitably come off. But while that may protect the floors, it does nothing to protect Nigel.
A morning in a Belly band and his skin looks as if he had rolled on a bed of hot nails.
Even if I change it every hour, it isn't enough.
And then, of course, he stinks.

Not only does he stink, but the things he touches stink. This is extremely distressing. All early spring we were the biggest buyers at the Incense & Candle Store. The house was a miasma of smoke.

So when the weather warmed up, I had a great idea. We got the wading pool out and put a couple of inches of water in it in the morning. By evening, it was nice and warm. A sitz bath. (Nigel says no, a SPA.) Ok, it's a Spa.

Day before yesterday, I forgot to dump the pool. Then it rained. Then it was boiling hot all day. By last evening, the pool was 5" deep with wonderful, lukewarm water. He loved it. He laid down. I splashed him and rubbed him and soaked him.

Today some of the charm had worn thin, but he got his turn in the Spa nevertheless. I must say, he smells better, his skin is better, and he seems to sleep better. I am going to be sorry to see the Spa close down at the end of the summer.

         ok that's enough now lemme outta this damn thing.

BEEN A LONG TIME

Been awhile since I wrote. Sorry y'all, if you read this. Sorry that I haven't kept at it is what I mean, not sorry you read it. It is your own fault if you read it.

Our neighborhood is changing. I am not going into details other than to state that I miss my big black loud impressive dog a lot. I have made arrangements to get another, but it will start at ground zero as a cute little fuzzy thing with a silly look and shark teeth.

This visage does not strike fear into my heart, were I to see it through a window, nor do I suspect it would do so if I were breaking into a house.

Someone opened the door of my Van, which has been parked, unmolested and unlocked on the street for 9 years, and took my toolbox. It had drugs in it and I hope the little bastards took every single pill because they were Flagyl and Antispasmodic and they may never poop again. (But "high" is not something that is likely to be a side effect.)

Last night I was watching a terrible movie, one of the worst movies I have EVER in my ENTIRE life seen (nevermind why.) and a big SUV pulled up in the rainy street next to my Van, facing the other way.

I turned off my light and lifted the shade and they seemed too far out in the street to be at the house across from me.
They pulled forward a little.
I flipped off the TV and got the big Cop Flashlight and turned it on in the living room and pulled the curtain, shined it out the window toward the two Vans. The SUV pulled forward a bit more and I  then stepped to the door, opened it, and shined the light directly on the back LP holder. The rain, the distance, and the angle made it impossible to read but when they realised I was not looking at THEM but at the plate, they took off.
I called the cops.
This morning I confirmed that the SUV had nothing to do with any of the neighbors and that in fact two were watching it as well, and watching me.
After I came in the woman across the street came out, turning on her floods, and making sure her car was locked.
The neighbor next door had quietly stepped out of his house in the dark and went back in.

While it is nice to know I have neighbors watching my back as I watch theirs, it made me sleep with Conley.

I'm sorry.
I love Conley to pieces but sleeping with Conley is not like knowing you have a big black dog in the LR, with one eye open.

OMINOUSNESSNESS

Dis da boyz agin.
We gots ominousnessness here.
We gots a crate up wif nobody init. Juss sidding dere empty. Uh hunh.

Dis conjuregates up pixshures ob ---- oh man I no wanna eben say it--- PUPPY.  Not any normal puppy needer. Won ob dem blak wons, whut you bet?

When we got heer Mr. Cooper Sir (may he rest an all dat) awreddy heer.

We da babes. We run round an nipple at he elbows. He a good sport dat won were an he speshually good sport wif Llewis.

But dis differement. Dis meen we gotta train HIM. (Her?) Naw-- MomPerson she like her guys.

How youse teech sumfin tallern a house to use he nose? Or scrabbel unner a fence?

I not sayin she gettin puppy enytime soon cuz I nose she not but I betcha she gettin won. I heer dem stories ob before my time an I nose she nebber been wiffout a Black Dog in mebbe 20 yrs.

Am we jellus? Nawww. Juss da way fings are, ynose? We do won fing, he do anodder. She lubs we all. Mebbe puppy meke she stop leakin alla time...we tries, an we bin good at it, but she need anodder black dog, yes she do.

            (Photo stolen from Google: generic BSD Puppy)

DAD AN WE WATCHES DA VENUS TRANSEX DA SUN

BY NIGEL, LLEWIS AN CONLEY

Taday somefin namt Venis--oh Llewis say it VenUs. Transex da---transect--da sun dat big hot fing hanging in da sky. Da DadPerson gots stuff let he watch dis wiffout burnin he eyeballs outen he head. We wented ousside ta help. Nigel reely werent ousside den but he come out later. So dis are story.

Dis da tellyscope fing. We bin tole not to mess wif da liddel nobs. Eben wif da steps dere we canit reech da liddel nobs. Ha Ha very funny DadPerson.

Here be da Llewis, sneeking off.

Here be da Conley, hoggin da camra.

Hi dere we heer we gone watch da sun do sumfin but firss....

                                   Llewis gotta sing

                                       an sing

                                an...uh....sing somemore

                              ok Llewis awreddy enuff

         You singin done wore me out, Llewis, you nose dat?
                                  What you watchin?

Nuffin.

But you nose whut we needs?

Oh no Llewis, Ise afraid to ask....

A SONG!!!

NO.

                     Is dat da moosik from JAWS I heerin?

                     It is. I fink it is. Dumdumdumdum

Whuzzat DadPerson doon youse fink?

Oh yeah dat sunny fing.

                     Dat high up youse fink we can reech dat?

You nose whut? Dat sun it say it 4 oclocker. Ain't dat dinnertime?

An heer we end.